WHAT YOU CAN LEARN FROM WATCHING A CRINGEWORTHY 1980S VHS DATING VIDEO

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Before Match.com came along and changed the dating frontier, lonely singletons had to opt for more creative ways to meet The One. These dudes sat down with an archaic Betamax and a very colorful background, and delivered an awkward (yet hopefully convincing) speech about why women should date them.

The hilarious video montage may make you squirm with embarrassment, but no matter how hard you laughed at Maurice cockily discussing his late night hobbies, you have to give it to these guys — this takes major cajones. Sitting in front of a camera without profusely sweating is impressive enough, but doing so knowing that you’re going to be judged by countless women later? That’s horrifying.

So next time you catch yourself pouting because you only got five matches that day, remember how much effort it took to get a date way back when — and thank God you’ll never be in that position.

Here’s five things we learned from watching the masters of video dating:

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Always be prepared

The beauty of today’s online dating scene lies in the pure and utter laziness of mankind — you can craft a perfectly appealing dating bio from the comfort of your own bed. No one needs to know that you haven’t showered in three days, or that you reek of last night’s Chinese leftovers, or even that your roommate tweaked your bio four times to make you sound like less of a jerk. But for Steven, this was never an option.

Steven had to show up to the filming studio prepped with pseudo-romantic pick-up lines and a skintight t-shirt in order to make the ladies swoon. You think without a solid one-liner and painstakingly outlined pecs he’d make it out of there with some arm candy? No way in hell. Though that Tom Selleck mustache may have gotten him a few points.

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Videos are forever

Despite online dating being the norm these days, people are still hesitant to broadcast how they met their significant other. VHS dating videos, on the other hand, are not only something you can’t deny, but also something you can’t erase. Those archaic fashions and corny one-liners are haunting these dudes more than 30 years later, and will continue to pop up on YouTube every now and again even after their demise. You think that yuppie guy wants to remember the time he told the world he didn’t want to date fat girls? No. But, he now has no choice. It’s one more added pressure you’ll never have to worry about, thanks to the “delete” button.

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The first impression is the only impression that matters

Being on Video Mate took real effort, and the process to get a lousy dinner date seems pretty draining in comparison to skimming through Bumble. With that being said, if these guys weren’t bringing their A game, it wasn’t worth them coming in at all. Women were going off the first few seconds of a video — if they didn’t like what they saw, it was onto the next. Luckily when you’re rocking the John Bender vibe, holding a (pre-Bachelor copied) rose and talking about goddesses, the first time is a charm. Noted.

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You need to be shameless in order to get the girl

Take it from the dude who’s dressed like a clinically insane Viking — you’re never going to get anywhere in life unless you go against the grain, and that includes snagging the girl of your dreams. Sure, you might want someone relatively normal (or as that pudgy man in the black suit says, no dopers, no smokers, and no alcoholics), but if you want to get noticed, you’re going to have to stand out. And being a yuppie isn’t going to cut it (unless you’re a refined valley dude, then all bets are off).

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You’ll never — ever — have to do this to find a date

And finally, the most important thing to take away from these videos: you’ll never have to take such extreme measures when suffering from a dry spell. Could you imagine anyone doing this today? People will barely get out of bed to feed themselves, let alone go out and randomly meet someone. Rest easy knowing you have your cell phone to fall back on when that coffee date turns into a hellish affair.

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